I find myself waiting for someone else to change. In my mind, it seems so simple. If they just do this more or do this less, then all of our problems will be easier to manage.
When I really look at this from the outside, though, it places me in a powerless position. Every time I am waiting for my wife to change - I am trying to convince her and me that there's nothing more I can do. It's up to her. It feels right to put some responsibility on someone else, but it can also feel disempowering for me.
I can't speak for everyone, but for me and many of the guys I work with, this feeling of powerlessness has been a strong indicator that my childhood is involved. Adult versions of this could be "polarization," "black or white thinking" or "false dichotomies." When my brain goes to an extreme - only this option or this opposite option - that's how a child thinks. Usually this will show up as me thinking "Either her expectations are crazy and unrealistic or I'm broken and defective."
When I think about my childhood, this vibe would come up a lot. I would oscillate between feeling neglected and that my family should spend more time with me OR that I am doing something wrong or failing to deserve that attention.
As an adult, I have more options than I feel that I do. When my childhood comes into play, I will notice the "extremes" in my thoughts along with really strong reactions in the fight or flight categories. That means literally. I either get so amped up that I want to punch something or want to avoid and get away as soon as possible.
When I find myself frustrated and WAITING for someone else to change something, I have learned to need to identify where and how my childhood comes into play in that current situation. Once I do that, I can understand why I feel powerless and what other options I have as an adult that I did not have as a child.
My wife and I dance around the issue of chores all the time. She wants things done a certain way - I agree to that way but fall short often. I then go between being resentful that she is too strict and ashamed that I keep failing after I told her I would try. Like which scrub or brush is used on which dishes.
I have felt similar in my childhood and my adult solution has been to tell my wife that I have often felt the need to over-promise beyond what I am capable or willing. With my mom, I thought I that had to say "yes" no matter what. I carried that into my marriage and it hit my wife's trauma of being lied to or being alone in the chores.
The middle ground has been for me to tell my wife why and when I'm feeling that way - followed by making less promises or more realistic promises. I had to know my capabilities better and be more honest with where I was likely to be inconsistent. Even though it wasn't exactly what she wanted, at least I wasn't over-promising and under-delivering.
So if you find yourself waiting for someone to change before you can feel better, look into your childhood and assess for extremes, then assess for differences in options as a child versus options as an adult. I will always breathe first - Wim Hof Method being my favorite.
I hope that helps. STOP WAITING and address the emotions and history.
Find YOUR Change.