Stop Waiting for Someone Else to Change
I often catch myself waiting for someone else to change. In my mind, it seems so simple: if they just did more of this or less of that, everything would be so much easier. The problem would just… disappear.
But when I step back and really think about it, this puts me in a powerless position. Every time I focus on waiting for my wife to change, I’m convincing myself that there’s nothing more I can do—that it’s all on her. And while it might feel justified to shift responsibility to someone else, it leaves me stuck, frustrated, and ultimately disempowered.
For me—and for many of the guys I work with—this sense of powerlessness often has roots in childhood. It shows up as patterns like "polarized thinking," "black-and-white thinking," or "false dichotomies." My brain jumps to extremes, giving me only two options: either her expectations are ridiculous and impossible, or I’m broken and incapable. Sound familiar?
How Childhood Plays a Role
When I think about my childhood, these extremes make sense. Growing up, I would bounce between feeling neglected—like my family wasn’t giving me enough time—and feeling like it was my fault, as if I wasn’t good enough to deserve their attention.
As a kid, my options were limited. I couldn’t change my circumstances, and I couldn’t see the full picture. But as an adult, I have far more tools and choices than I give myself credit for when I’m stuck in that childlike mindset.
When those old childhood patterns resurface, I notice two key things:
- My thoughts go to extremes.
- My body responds in “fight or flight” mode—I either feel amped up and ready to explode, or I want to shut down and escape the situation entirely.
The trick is catching these patterns when they happen. When I find myself waiting for someone else to change, I’ve learned to pause and ask: How is my childhood showing up here? Why do I feel powerless? Once I understand that, I can start exploring the options I have as an adult that I didn’t have as a kid.
Chores, Promises, and the Middle Ground
Here’s a real-life example: my wife and I often clash over chores. She likes things done a certain way, and while I agree in theory, I don’t always follow through. This creates a cycle: I get resentful, thinking she’s too strict, then I feel ashamed for failing to meet the expectations I agreed to. Something as small as which scrubber to use on the dishes can set off this internal tug-of-war.
When I looked deeper, I realized this cycle felt familiar. Growing up, I often felt like I had to over-promise to please my mom, saying "yes" to everything, even when I knew I couldn’t follow through. I carried that pattern into my marriage, and it triggered my wife’s own trauma around being lied to or feeling alone in the responsibilities.
What helped us find middle ground was honesty. I started sharing how I felt—why I over-promised and why I sometimes fell short. Then, I got better at making realistic commitments. Instead of saying “yes” to everything, I learned to communicate what I could genuinely handle. It wasn’t exactly what my wife wanted, but it was better than over-promising and under-delivering.
Stop Waiting, Start Acting
If you find yourself waiting for someone else to change so you can feel better, pause and look inward. Ask yourself:
- Where do my extremes of thinking or reacting come from?
- How does my childhood play into this situation?
- What options do I have now as an adult that I didn’t have as a child?
For me, addressing the emotions and history behind my frustration has been key. When I notice myself stuck in that powerless place, I start with my breath—using the Wim Hof Method to calm my body and mind. From there, I’m better equipped to take action instead of waiting.
Remember, the change you’re waiting for starts with you.
Find YOUR change.